Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Beast's Return

Ten hours.

That's how long the Beast was subdued. I can feel him fighting his way back, insinuating his need into my mind, my body. I feel the heat, the wet, the pain beginning again. Distracting, not yet overwhelming. I'm still able to maintain control, for the most part.

Maintain control. That's where the fear comes in. What if I can't? What if this Beast so overwhelms me that I embarrass myself? What if I get caught masturbating at my desk? What if I jump some poor unsuspecting guy because I need cock NOW and to hell with the consequences? What if I take the lead with P and he doesn't like it? What if everyone finds out what a slut I am?

Submission makes things both easier and harder. By submitting, I am absolved of all responsibility. I don't have to try to guess what P needs; I let him tell me what he wants and make me fulfill his desires. I don't have to worry about making mistakes; I just do what I'm told. The flip side is that (while P is amazing at reading me) I don't always get what I want. Or as often as I want. I don't get to try things I'd like to (reverse cowgirl, maybe? That naughty fantasy that never fails for masturbatory sessions?) or when I want.

I can't see ever even wanting to be dom. There is little about it that appeals to me, and I'm fairly certain P would NOT like it at all. What I would like is to have enough confidence in myself and in P to be able to say lets try this, or I feel that, or touch me this way. I have moved along in this direction a great distance, due to the trust I have been able to give to P, but there's still a long way to go.

That's one of the good side effects of the Beast. In full hormone storm, I have sometimes been able to express myself more than I normally would. One of the worst is that I question; are my desires and appetites more than P can handle, and I'll lose him because of it?

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