Return of the Beast

I'm sitting here at work, and I simply cannot get anything done. My head, my soul my body most especially are drowning in a cloud of sex. He's reaching his peak, the Beast is. I can tell, because my thoughts turn from mere sex to S-E-X. Savage sex. Painful sex. Obsessive sex. Brutal sex. The kind of sex that isn't shown in soft core porn, or in Playboy or Penthouse. Slamming, kinky, wild, abandoned sex. The kind that scares me a little, and probably scares P more. And just behind it, underneath, the beginning of the pain. Currently at titillating levels, but showing promise of taking over, and becoming Most Unpleasant.

I do hope P has eaten his Wheaties.

And I wonder if I will have the backbone to lead our play to what I need.

The Beast's Return

Ten hours.

That's how long the Beast was subdued. I can feel him fighting his way back, insinuating his need into my mind, my body. I feel the heat, the wet, the pain beginning again. Distracting, not yet overwhelming. I'm still able to maintain control, for the most part.

Maintain control. That's where the fear comes in. What if I can't? What if this Beast so overwhelms me that I embarrass myself? What if I get caught masturbating at my desk? What if I jump some poor unsuspecting guy because I need cock NOW and to hell with the consequences? What if I take the lead with P and he doesn't like it? What if everyone finds out what a slut I am?

Submission makes things both easier and harder. By submitting, I am absolved of all responsibility. I don't have to try to guess what P needs; I let him tell me what he wants and make me fulfill his desires. I don't have to worry about making mistakes; I just do what I'm told. The flip side is that (while P is amazing at reading me) I don't always get what I want. Or as often as I want. I don't get to try things I'd like to (reverse cowgirl, maybe? That naughty fantasy that never fails for masturbatory sessions?) or when I want.

I can't see ever even wanting to be dom. There is little about it that appeals to me, and I'm fairly certain P would NOT like it at all. What I would like is to have enough confidence in myself and in P to be able to say lets try this, or I feel that, or touch me this way. I have moved along in this direction a great distance, due to the trust I have been able to give to P, but there's still a long way to go.

That's one of the good side effects of the Beast. In full hormone storm, I have sometimes been able to express myself more than I normally would. One of the worst is that I question; are my desires and appetites more than P can handle, and I'll lose him because of it?

Fear

I have had occasion recently to contemplate my life and circumstances, and the theme that begins to emerge is fear.

P loves the movie "Defending Your Life" and is very proud that we have allowed ourselves to take a chance on some dicey circumstances to make our relationship work. I am amazed, myself. It is one of the things I'm most proud of in my life.

You sense the "but" coming, don't you?

I am still afraid. Constantly. Deeper and more pervasively than I was even aware, I am afraid. In every area of my life; work, sex, parenting, sex, love, sex, spiritual, sex. I'm tired of the fear.

I love this man with every fiber of my being. I trust him more than I have ever trusted another human being, and he has time after time proven himself worthy of that trust.

I don't trust me, I guess. And a very teensy tiny small part of me doesn't trust anyone, P included. I am not the person I want to be, and I am too afraid to try to become that person.

Lately I have felt pulled in all directions, both internally and externally, leaving me hanging in the wind, without substance or direction, unable to even see the horizon. I've taken submission to new heights, incapable of making even simple decisions, leaving everything to P, because I just can't deal. I hate it, yet I continue.

I feel things heading for a breaking point, and I need to take some very careful thought as to how to break the bad stuff without shattering the good. I'm hoping this blog will allow me the freedom to explore the crapfest that is my psyche and get to a happy resolution.

See? Fearful, but still ridiculously optimistic.