Monday, August 11, 2008


I have had occasion recently to contemplate my life and circumstances, and the theme that begins to emerge is fear.

P loves the movie "Defending Your Life" and is very proud that we have allowed ourselves to take a chance on some dicey circumstances to make our relationship work. I am amazed, myself. It is one of the things I'm most proud of in my life.

You sense the "but" coming, don't you?

I am still afraid. Constantly. Deeper and more pervasively than I was even aware, I am afraid. In every area of my life; work, sex, parenting, sex, love, sex, spiritual, sex. I'm tired of the fear.

I love this man with every fiber of my being. I trust him more than I have ever trusted another human being, and he has time after time proven himself worthy of that trust.

I don't trust me, I guess. And a very teensy tiny small part of me doesn't trust anyone, P included. I am not the person I want to be, and I am too afraid to try to become that person.

Lately I have felt pulled in all directions, both internally and externally, leaving me hanging in the wind, without substance or direction, unable to even see the horizon. I've taken submission to new heights, incapable of making even simple decisions, leaving everything to P, because I just can't deal. I hate it, yet I continue.

I feel things heading for a breaking point, and I need to take some very careful thought as to how to break the bad stuff without shattering the good. I'm hoping this blog will allow me the freedom to explore the crapfest that is my psyche and get to a happy resolution.

See? Fearful, but still ridiculously optimistic.

No comments: